My biggest Failure in Advertising...So Far

This is another guitar I was supposed to sell for someone, where I had never seen the guitar before hand, and didn't know anything about them. I think that when selling something, everyone is going to look it up anyway, so who cares if I describe the generic stats correctly? If I write it has 7 strings, and it only has 6, people won't care. Except I guess Epiphone lovers. But eff those guys.

Again, I went for a more artistic approach to the graphics.

The ad kinda sucked, so maybe that is why nobody bought the guitar. I had written like 3 other musical instrument ads within that week or two, so I was kinda burned out. How many different things can you say about a guitar? I don't know, and I don't care. But the correct answer is about "like 3 other ads" worth. I guess I got greedy. But not that greedy, since I don't actually charge to write the ads. I keep looking around my room for things to sell, because I like writing ads the most. I've even considered replying to a boring Kijiji ad, getting their email, and writing an ad for them. If they want it, they can activate the ad, and if not, whatever. It seems like it would be a fun idea anyway.

Up for grabs is 1 astounding electric guitar. It is, to the best of my knowledge, an Epiphone SG G310. If it isn’t, then it’s probably not much different from a G310. According to people who have played neither, like the Epiphone P.R. people on their website, this guitar is very close to a Gibson SG in sound and feel, and every other way except price. I think they might be biased. People who shelled out extra money for a Gibson are probably offended by this claim. This Epiphone SG isn’t as high end as the Gibson SG, but it’s also 1/4 of the price. With that in mind, this is an incredible guitar. If you’re just starting out, or you’ve played for a few years, or you are thinking of buying a guitar that says “Squier” on it, this is the guitar for you.

 

Everything on the guitar is black, except for the things that aren’t. It’s got a chrome bridge, chrome Grover tuners, and a chrome pickup switch. The guitar has that classic symmetrical double cutaway style that revolutionized guitar styling in the 60’s. That’s also the look that ruined that cool thing left handed players had going on when they flipped a right handed guitar over. I guess you can’t win em all. The guitar is in good shape, except for a crack in the finish on the side of the neck. It doesn’t affect playability, and barely affects the looks, since it’s near the fret board.

 

The two open coil humbuckers make this guitar more versatile than a Strat and a Les Paul taped together. Seriously, if I had a nickel for every tone this guitar could come up with, I wouldn’t have to sell it. It would be irresponsible of me to say that buying this guitar will make you the next big thing in the guitar world. You’ll still have to practice for like a week first.

 

This guitar really lives up to the SG name, which, according to Gibson, stands for Solid Guitar. That story checks out. This guitar will take all the abuse you can throw at it, and the only thing it will do in return, besides sound awesome, is get a chip on the neck apparently.

 

You might be asking “Why would anyone want to sell a guitar that is this amazing?”, and that’s a very good question. The thing is, I have too many SGs, and this one has to go. You’re not going to find a better guitar for the measly 150 bucks I’m asking. I would also consider trade offers involving a Marshall 4x12 cab. Please refer to the crayon drawings to see what this thing looks like.

 

If you’re the guy who keeps emailing me trying to offer a “rare” Tiger Woods photo, this is the guitar for you. Even your weekly allowance can afford this spectacular deal! I will not trade this guitar for a picture though. That’s just stupid. I will, however, trade the actual drawing of this guitar for your photo of Tiger Woods, and will even get my picture signed by the artist (Garet, age 27) for an extra $50.  You may choose either the drawing of the guitar, or the closeup drawing of the chipped paint near the headstock.

 

Pay close attention: If your trade offer for this guitar doesn’t involve a Marshall 4x12, I am not interested! 

Again, I had to stress the "No Tiger Woods" shit stuff, because that idiot kept emailing my friend. Nobody wanted a rare picture of Tiger Woods ever. I guess nobody wanted some black Epi SG either.

When I reread this one, I don't even see any jokes that I'm particularly proud of. You know what writing doesn't have jokes? The dictionary. And that is boring as shit. I guess the part about the PR people on the Epiphone website was alright. I have no problems making fun of strangers who will never know. That's a victimless crime.

My favourite part, and the most artistic part, was that I drew the guitar in crayon, put the picture on the fridge, and took a picture to post on Kijiji. Nobody wanted to buy my pictures yet, so I am not really a professional artist. Oh well. Once they sell, next stop is the Louvre. 

Who Needs a Fender Twin Reverb ii? Not This Guy!

Since I've decided to keep this blog, I figure I can post another non-update. I keep selling things, so it really means I can keep posting things and you people will get to keep reading things without me having to write new things specifically for this blog. Everybody wins, I think.

This is another piece of "commission" work I've done for a Kijiji ad. I use the quotes, because I didn't actually get paid for it, so that's not the right word. It was a favor for a friend really. Though he gave me these sweet Lemmy bass picks one time, so I consider these ads to be working off that debt.

I write ads, and I always have like three things in my mind...The first is that it doesn't really matter how I describe it, since if someone is going to buy something big, they are going to Google it. The second is that it doesn't matter what kind of picture I upload, because again they will Google it. Plus I've described the condition honestly, as best as I could. The last is that I should include a Hulk reference or make fun of photographers somehow. Not like legit real photographers. More the people who take weird angled shots and make them black and white, and post them on my FB feed. Now you know my secret.

I think I wrote this one on break at work. I don't know anything about these amps, so I Googled some basic facts. I looked at a picture, and that was about all I needed.

Now onto the magic...

For sale is 1 hard to find Fender Twin Reverb II. These amps are being snatched up by collectors because of the excellent amp design by none other than Paul Rivera, who, fun fact, also designed the Buick Riviera. This amp has the classic black and silver look that most Fender amps have had for decades. They call it Blackface era cosmetics, according to Wikipedia…but that can’t be right, can it? For starters, it has a silver face. Secondly, I think “blackface” means something else already.

The Twin Reverb II packs an Incredible Hulk-like punch with its 105 watts of tube power. It also weighs about as much as The Blob (from X-men, though I imagine the movie monster wasn’t a spring chicken either), since it’s a tube amp. This amp goes to 11, and then some. Though I think if you look at the knob, it says 10. Don’t listen to those lying knobs. This amp is LOUD. Not just sort of loud. This is “you will get noise complaints from different area codes” loud. The volume on this will get you evicted from apartments you don’t even live in. 

 

This amp is about 30 years old, and it’s in good shape for the age. Since this was built, the wheel was invented, so some casters have been added to the bottom. Technically it’s an aftermarket upgrade, but your arm will thank you. I’m not sure why they would make an amp that is this close to collapsing in on itself as a black hole, and only put a single handle on top. I’m no Fengineer, but I’d have at least put 2 handles on top. The rest of the amp seems to be all original. 

 

There are 2 channels on this amp, which is about as many as there were on tv when it was made. The clean channel is your typical clean Fender sound. That’s the clean sound every other amp maker wishes they could have. The other channel is a overdrive/reverb channel which has limited applications. If you’re going to be a classic rock cover band, then you could just plug into the dirty channel and be set. But come on, this is a Fender. You put your effects through the clean channel anyway, and also don’t play in a classic rock cover band. There are all sorts of E.Q. knobs on here, so you can set your sound however you want, so long as you want the treble, mid and bass between 0 and 10. It also has a knob for reverb, some volume knobs, a gain knob, and even a presence knob. The presence knob adjusts how prominent, or present (get it?) the reverb is.

I have included an MS Paint rendition of this amp. It should give you a good idea of what the amp would look like, if it were poorly drawn in MS Paint. In that respect, it’s basically photorealistic. I am getting rid of this great amp, because I got a Marshall head that needs a cab. I will consider trades for a 4x12 Marshall cab, or something substantially similar, or a trade for $650 worth of Canadian currency.

If you are that kid who keeps offering to trade a rare picture of Tiger Woods for whatever gear I’m selling, the answer is still no.  It will always be no, regardless of how many times you offer. I do, however, have a special offer for you. I’ll trade your photo of Tiger Woods for a copy of the MS Paint representation of this amp. If you throw in another $50, I will get the artist (Garet, age 27) to sign it for you. For another measly $25, I’ll even ask him to make sure he uses a colour printer. You won’t get any musical gear out of that deal, but you will get a collectible piece of music memorabilia. Plus Garet insists he will be famous for his art one day, so the value can only go up.

Pay careful attention to this part: Marshall 4x12 cabinets and photos of Tiger Woods ARE NOT the same thing. If you are having trouble telling the difference between Marshall 4x12 cabinets and photos of Tiger Woods, maybe guitar isn’t for you. Use the rule of thumb: offering Marshall 4x12 cabinets for trade will get you closer to owning this amp; offering photos of Tiger Woods will not.

This ad is one of the better ones I have done, because it got Fender aficionados mad. They didn't like the part about "black face". I did, so I put it in there. Yet what is weird is that not a single person called me on the part where I said "Paul Rivera designed the Buick Riveria". Also anything about the age, volume or weight is pure gold as far as I'm concerned.

The picture does sort of suck though. I dropped the ball there. Notice how I put my name and age on there though. What's the point of drawing pictures if you can't sign them? I don't want to find out.

The Tiger Woods stuff is because some kid kept offering to trade rare Tiger Woods photos for guitars. It is also a pretty good rule of thumb.

I know the money part is the totally boring part...but I'm pretty sure he got full asking price for it.