For Sold: 1 Gretsch Electromatic

Another update that's barely anything original for those of you who read my Facebook, or who I send Kijiji ads to, or guys I write ads for, or basically anyone else who will read this. It's not that I don't write anymore, even though this blog is as barren as my sex life, it's just that I haven't had much of a chance to log onto the ol blog and post an update. I bet the next few posts will just be Kijiji ad related, since I've got a lot of stuff on the go, and it's hard to write.

I'd like to think my writing helped sell this guitar, which has an awesome 50's futuristic name...the Electromatic. My friend had it for sale for a while with no luck. Then I wrote this not so good ad, and it sold pretty quickly. Sure, someone who isn't an idiot could say that my ad may have had nothing to do with it. But I'm an idiot. So I sold the guitar. That makes me an advertising genius, but also still an idiot. The ad still sucks though. Why would I post an ad that I think is a piece of garbage you ask? Because it still ups my word count. And at the end of the day, isn't that all that really matters? So, let's go!

For sale is one amazing Gretsch Electromatic Duo Jet guitar. This guitar is perfect for takin’ care of business, or rockin this town. Though it’s not a true hollow body guitar, it has a chambered body that fakes that kind of sound. I guess it’s not faking if it can do that sound…is it?

This silver finished guitar is in great condition. The flashy color and double cutaway body shape will be sure to hide your inability to play guitar, so it’s perfect for beginners and veterans alike. I think Gretsch only had 4 words in mind when they designed this guitar: six string sex appeal. If you bring a shiny silver guitar on stage, it doesn’t really matter what you play. The same can be said for fuzzy guitars. This Electromatic looks great, even though it’s got a few dings and scratches on it. Though it’s nothing out of the ordinary for an instrument that’s been gigged a few times.

Included, at no extra charge, are the two pickups this guitar came with, one in the neck and 1 in bridge position. The pickups are mini-humbuckers, whatever that means. These two pickups, in combination with some clever fiddling with the tone and volume knobs, will make it a great guitar to play everything from ABBA to ZZ Top. I mostly play Men Without Hats and Rick Astley on it, and I know this guitar is never gonna give you up.

So, not only is this a fine Gretsch guitar straight from the factory, but it also has an important upgrade. Have you ever seen someone do that move where they spin the guitar around their neck? Well, I learned the hard way that the secret there is strap locks. This Gretsch has some Dunlop strap locks on it, so you too can spin it around. And, let’s face it, if you have a shiny silver guitar that you spin around your neck, you don’t need to learn anything but an E, an A, and a B power chord.

I know that you’re all wondering why anyone would want to sell such an amazing piece of equipment. That’s an excellent question. Well, I’ll tell you. I have far too many guitars and not enough arms. I need to liquidate some gear, so the only trade I’d consider must have the words “Marshall” and “4x12” in it. Plus, it would be a waste to just play Motorhead and Ramones with The Graveyard Ducks on this guitar.

Email me for some pretty well done MS Paint renditions of this guitar. Also I guess I could take pictures…but that doesn’t seem very fun.

I first want to say that I think it's rather low to just namedrop so many bands. Plus the Stray Cats and BTO probably used hollow body guitars, for all I care. Pop culture references are for the Big Bang Theory level humor, and they're not really my bag. I'm above that shit. I did want to namedrop The Graveyard Ducks, though, because I thought this ad was going to go up on the work buy and sell. It has been my goal to break every posting rule they have, and I'm getting there. On that bass guitar ad, I posted a link so everyone could hear what it sounds like go to the LS bandcamp page. Take that you not very rigid rules at work. I'm an anarchist!

I did really break a guitar trying to spin it. The less I say about that part, the better.

I totally cheated on the picture, and just drew over a real picture of a Gretsch. I can't draw guitars freehand, and I'm not going to learn anytime soon.

Yeah, I guess you don't know what a The Graveyard Ducks is. I'll explain that later.

One of those non-updates

You can expect a few of these coming up soon, and any regulars (idiots) will have read it already.

I had this bass guitar sitting at home, and I no longer wanted it. Well, I have like 4 of them, and I don't really want most of them either. They're all made in China or somewhere with equally bad quality control. Some jerks make fun of where my basses are made, instead of how poorly I play them. To remedy my too many bass situation, I decided to sell one. Well, actually I was bored on break at work and decided to write an ad for it, then I decided to sell it. I sometimes write ads without intentions of selling things, just because I'm bored. I have an ad for my car mostly written, and maybe I'll post it here, since I'm not actually going to sell it. Well, actually I'd sell it in a heartbeat. I guess nobody is going to buy it is what I mean.

Have you ever wanted to play guitar in a band, but all of your friends are already guitarists? Well, here's your chance to settle on being a bassist instead.

This bass is in somewhere between "awesome" and "rad" condition. Actually, I'm a little embarrassed that for playing in a punk band for a couple years, it's not beat up whatsoever. I think I should have smashed two of them by now. I don't even think the back of it, the part that nobody will look at or see, is really scratched up or dented. There is one little white blemish under the finish. I put a Transistor 66 sticker over it, and it solved the problem.

The bass was made in Indonesia, which as far as I know, is a step up from China as far as bass production goes. It's no America or Japan, but some people say it's on par with Mexico. Take that for what you will. You can find out more about these countries on a map. The internet ranted and raved about this bass like it was a cheap Fender for the price of an expensive Squier. I think that is entirely accurate.

It has a wood-coloured neck, with a different coloured wood-coloured body. The fret board is maple, and has those nice big rectangular fret inlays. Being a jazz bass, it bass a jazz bass body and a jazz neck. There is a black pick guard, which is weird because I've been told that "real" bass players don't use picks. So why is there a black pick guard there? I assume that with a stellar description like this, no picture is necessary. But still, I can email you some tastefully artistic nude pictures of it, if you want.

This bass has never had any Rush played on it. I don't know about you, but that seems like a pretty strong selling feature to me. I do distinctly remember playing Guns N Roses on it once...so there's that. Since I basically only play punk music, the D and G strings are in like new condition. One time I broke the E string, so the strings have been replaced within the last year or so. I don't play this one much anymore.

To hear it in action, check out a few tracks at lessexy.bandcamp.com. This stuff was recorded through a direct input, so you can get a feel for the sound of the bass itself. It's got a couple Duncan jazz pickups, with a separate volume knob for each.

As an added bonus, I will throw in a hard case. This case looks like it barely survived a Godzilla attack. I believe it is held together mostly by duct tape and good intentions.

My reason for selling it is that I can barely play 1 bass at a time, and I have 4 of them. That just seems like poor planning on my part. Plus this one was a gift from an ex, so her loss is your gain! Since this has whatever the opposite of "sentimental value" is, you can get it for a mere 175 bucks.

I don't see a bass with a description like this lasting too long at what I assume is a reasonable price. Call, text or email me and it can be yours.

When I tried posting this rather innocuous ad at work, they sent me back an email saying it was inappropriate for work. Being the genius I am, I knew right away what was wrong with it, and took out the part about where it was made, and the part about tasteful nudes. They accepted it right away.

I don't want to say I'm a big deal around the buy and sell at work, mainly because that is not something worth being proud of, but this one got me a lot of comments from strangers. People who I don't even know stopped me and said stuff like "The ad alone made me almost want to buy the bass". What a stupid thing to say to someone. The fact is, these people didn't buy it.

I also posted it to kijiji later that day, uncensored, and sold it within 5 minutes of posting, for asking price. How often does that happen? Never, I think.

I am rather proud of the pictures though. My camera doesn't have the sexiest filter, black and white, nor does it have the teenaged-girl-amateur-photographer-filter, sepia, so I made due with regular pictures. I changed the contrast after, and the results are quite erotic. I got a boner just looking at them.