Still Ineffective at Marketing

One day at work I decided to put up an ad on the work buy and sell for my moped. I don't ride it much, and won't be able to ride it soon enough, so I thought someone else could benefit. Now the problem is that I couldn't write an ad like a normal person. I did have some special consultation help on this one, and can guarantee it would not be the same without that help. On the other hand, this version also does not contain the phrase "sex machine". For my money, it's a wash.

Have you ever wanted the benefits and freedom of riding a scooter without the embarrassment of riding a scooter? This is just the machine for you. It's a red and white 1969 Honda PC50 moped. That's mo(tor)ped(al), as in it can be used as a really slow motorbike, or a really heavy bicycle. There's a reason scooters are faster than this PC50: nobody wants to be seen on a scooter.

This red rocket is in good running condition. Almost everything works as it's supposed to, and the things that didn't work were taken off and thrown out. Who really needs an air filter anyway, right? The headlight needs a new bulb, and the speedometer and odometer don't work. Since it tops out around 50 km/hr,  you don't really need to worry about your speed. It has an astonishingly powerful 50cc 4 stroke engine that puts out an earth shattering 1.8 hp. That's almost half as much as your lawnmower! So you don't even need to worry about 2-stroke oil. Just put in the 3 dollars of gas and drive it for 100 kms or more. You can't beat that even if you tied 2 hybrid cars together.

Apparently, some of the motorcyclists in the building think their bikes will catch something from parking near this, so you don't ever have to worry about those people knocking it over. So not only do you not have to wait to get a parking spot here, but you'll have a nice buffer zone.

All you need to take this beauty home is to have a class 5 license, give me 650 dollars (0b0) and pau MPI $230 a year. You can practically insure this PC50 with the change from your couch.

You can reach me at 990-4278 any time after 4pm.

I don't actually know anyone at work who rides a scooter, so I don't think I'm burning any bridges with this one. I did used to have a friend who rides his motorcycle to work, but he hasn't really talked to me since this ad went up. He also parked far away from my moped. Coincidence? Probably.

I always write particular lines that aren't very funny, but they amuse me to no end. In this case, every time I read the line about the hybrid cars, I start laughing.

The weird thing about this ad is that I've had coworkers, and strangers, come up to me and comment on it. Nobody has said anything negative about it. I have heard stories of people gathering around a computer and reading it out loud. What the fuck? I was told by a coworker that her daughter loved my ad. This woman actually felt the ad was funny enough to take it home and show her family. How fucked up is that? This is an ad for a moped!!! I admit, I went for form over function mostly, but it's still an ad nonetheless.

I had written up an ad to post on kijiji as well, but they didn't accept it. Apparently there is some sort of quality review. Though I suspect it is because that contained the following paragraph:

Guys, this sex machine comes with a stick, so you can beat off the ladies. Ladies, I don't think you need any help beating guys off.

Apparently I'm never going to get the  phrase "sex machine" into an ad.

So the end to this story is I did actually sell the moped through kijiji. I got 500, which is over 75% of my asking price! As far as I'm concerned, that's some sort of record for selling something on kijiji. I had to wade through about twenty million offers of 300 dollars to get it though. People are cheap.

I had one person email me, and all it said was "$200?", so I emailed him back "$10000000?". He replied with "?", so I said "I thought we were playing the stupid offers game. My bad". I am easily annoyed by selling things on the internet, but at the same time, I have a lot of fun writing the ads. Maybe if I let it all out on my blog, I can write normal ads for things and have an easier time selling them. For now, I'm still ineffective at marketing, though.

No wonder it hasn't sold yet...

So basically, this is the ad I posted on kijiji that got me started on all of this. I definitely am a good case for why ads should actually be reviewed before being posted.

I'm looking to sell my DSi with a game, which is why posting this on Kijiji makes perfect sense.

It is in good condition, and everything works as it's supposed to. I will be brutally honest here: sometimes the R button doesn't work properly. This is a notable design flaw from Nintendo, and not a flaw with this particular DSi system. So if you take nothing else from this, know that many DSlites, DSis and DSiXLs have this issue. Keeping that in mind, I am able to say that the system works as it's supposed to without being dishonest. You can just blow around the button with some compressed air and that should clear it up anyway.

It comes with the box and all the manuals. At least I think it has all the manuals. I didn't really look at them when this thing was new, so I wouldn't know if one is gone. But really, who looks at the manuals? Those things are as thick as phone books, and half as interesting. If I wanted to be that bored, I would have bought a PSP.

I have hori screen protectors on it, but the top screen protector has bubbled a little bit (see picture). It can be removed, but I haven't really bothered, as it is mostly visible when the screen is off. I don't look at the screens when they're off, and if you're like me, you won't either, making this a non issue that didn't need a dedicated paragraph.

I am asking 80 or best offer, which I think is completely reasonable considering the game it comes with.

Please don't be one of those jerks who says "I'll take it for 40 bucks CASH" as if I'd take some other form of payment. Stating redundantly that you are paying in actual money will not result in you getting the DSi for half price. If you've ever sold anything on Kijiji, you know exactly the type of jerk I'm talking about. If you are one, I suggest you click the next ad for a DSi and try your stupid purchasing tactics there, or try suicide.

I don't think pictures are really necessary, since these things all look the same. But since pictures will most likely get people to see this ad, I have included a picture drawn in paint. If you would like to hire me to do drawings in paint for you, please email me. I charge by the hour, and provide the kind of top quality work you see to the left.

Also included is a picture of a DSinosaur and a DSincredible Hulk. That is a DSi mixed with a dinosaur, and a DSi mixed with the Incredible Hulk, respectively. This is just to show you two of the many fun possibilities this system has to offer.

My reason for selling it is that I got a 3DS. Since I am now gaming in 3 dimensions, the mere 2 dimensions the DSi offered sort of pales in comparison. But don't let that stop you from getting in on this awesome gaming system. My other reason for selling is that I'd like 80 dollars (wouldn't we all), but I would hope that was assumed.

You can also text me at 990-4278.

I think the funniest thing I wrote on there was two words: see picture. The sad thing is that I had to explain that joke to some people. Everyone else liked the pictures.

I received many emails from some of the more clever users of both kijiji and the internet, saying "I'll take it for 40 bucks CASH". I offered my services as a clever email writer to some, and to another, I pointed out that if I had 5 dollars and eighty eight cents for every email like that, I wouldn't have to sell the DSi to begin with. Some of you may have just now checked to see what 80/5.88 is (which is 13.something), and that's awesome. This was actually the 17th such email at a time when I had it listed for 100 bucks.

I do think telling those people to kill themselves was going a little far. That was mostly to test the boundaries of what I can actually post in an ad. Also, I only type with my middle fingers. That is not only literally true, but also figuratively true.

It is still for sale. No wonder it hasn't sold yet... Nobody has commissioned me to do an ad or draw pictures in paint for them either. Before I deleted the ad and re-posted it, I had over 300 views, which is pretty amazing considering it's an ad for a DSi, and nobody bought it.